As with the original question, it is very difficult to give the personal response this sort of situation calls for. As a pastor, I would want to talk to the people involved, learn more about the particular details, look the involved people in the eye, etc. I hope that you are talking through these issues with a pastor or other spiritually mature believer within your local church that knows and cares for you. The best I can do here is lay out some relevant principles as I see them.

First, I notice your emphasis on the word “TRYING.” This sounds to me like you are emphasizing that no abuse actually took place. I can think of no more damaging violation of trust than that of a child’s trust in a parent. A child comes into the world in utter dependence on his parents. No one in the world cares more for this child’s wellbeing than his parents. The parents are effectively a surrogate for God to child. There is no way to overestimate the damage that can be caused when a parent violates this sacred trust. So, even if the evil intentions of the stepfather were fended off, I would not use that as a reason to downplay the damage done.

You mentioned that you put this issue on the ‘back burner’ and that you forgave him and tried to go on with life. It is hard to say from your short description if this is relevant, but the biblical mandate of forgiveness does not remove our responsibility to confront sin. You mention that he “admitted he was wrong and didn’t know why he had tried to do what he did.” Your daughter may feel that this was not fully dealt with and simply swept under the rug because that was easier. I would consider that maybe your daughter feels this way and that this is hindering reconciliation.

Second, I would point out that granting forgiveness is an act of grace. Forgiveness is not owed to the offending party. Once I sin against someone, I place myself in debt to the one I have offended. I have no claim on the other person to forgive me. That is between them and God. My job is to do everything within my power to make restitution and rebuild the trust that I have destroyed.

It sounds like you are in one of two possible situations with your daughter. She might not have truly forgiven the offense and is using the withholding of access to you grandson as retaliation. Or, she may have truly forgiven you and her stepfather but feels (rightly or wrongly) that there are practical reasons that restored fellowship would not be appropriate. Perhaps she is protecting her son or maybe the old feelings of betrayal return so strongly when in your presence that she does not want to expose her child to that dynamic. There is the further complication that your daughter’s husband has an obligation to protect both his wife and his son. I’m not sure how that plays in here.

Whatever the case, all you can do is pray for her and do everything within your power give her reason to forgive and trust you. Some suggestions I would offer…

• Make sure that she knows that you appreciate the depth of the offense done to her. Avoid any tendency to communicate that she is making more out of it than she should.
• Make it clear that you understand that reconciliation will have to be on your daughter’s terms. I would express my willingness to abide by whatever restrictions or controls she requires in order to have contact.
• Be sure that your husband has fully repented to your daughter. He needs to own the full depth of what he has done. I would also want to see him express to your daughter what concrete steps he has taken in his like to repair the damage he has done as well as to ensure that he never does it again. For example… What has he done to help those he hurt? What sort of counseling has he sought? What kind of accountability mechanisms has he established?

I hope this response is helpful, but I don’t presume to really know your situation, and there is only so much that a format like this can provide. I’ve focused solely on you and your responsibility in this situation not because there is nothing to be said to your daughter and her situation, but because you only have control over yourself and your responsibility.

I pray that God will, in His mercy, grant your family the reconciliation you and He desire.

Forgiveness is more for us than the person who sinned against us. When our focus is on the wrong done to us, God’s love and will for us cannot shine through.