A Day at the Beach . . . and Beyond (Part 1)
Friday, June 6th, 2008 : By Donna Farr
My family recently enjoyed our annual vacation to the beach. It is always such a wonderful time of relaxing on the beach and at the pool, refocusing on our family time, and enjoying God’s creation. We are so thankful for the blessing of being able to have this annual tradition!
However, this year, I must confess I was a little less thankful than usual. As we spent our first day at the pool, I was caught off-guard by the many women and girls whose swimsuits must have shrunk in the dryer before they came to the pool. I know that this is not a new problem, but we purposely schedule our vacation time during the off-times that are less crowded. It usually allows us to not have to worry about those things quite as much. This year just seemed to be unusually bad, and as I was walking around huffing at all that I saw and that my husband was striving NOT to see, I became frustrated and saddened for the teen girls and women who felt they needed that attention from total strangers and for the result it has on those families who are exposed to it. Sadly, I also had to remember that I’ve been one of those women. None of us women escapes the desire to feel attractive, but at what cost? In years past, I didn’t realize what power a woman’s body has over men, and I had no idea the harm I was potentially causing, when I dressed “like everyone else” and paid no attention to modesty.
You see, Ladies, men are visually stimulated. The majority of us underestimate how big a problem this is. When we dress in a way that reveals or draws attention to intimate parts of our bodies, we have put a stumbling block in front of our Christian brothers. They are already bombarded by temptation from the world, and when women who desire to be godly, dress in the same provocative ways that the world does, we are keeping them from having a safe haven to escape to, sometimes even at church services and functions. We are adding to the temptation that they are told to resist (Proverbs 6:20-33 and Matthew 5:27-28).
Part of the problem is that we live in a culture where most of us women have become almost numb to this issue. Sometimes, it’s hard to know what is modest and immodest anymore, because we are so used to seeing immodesty everywhere. Unfortunately, men, young and old, who are seeking to follow God, are NOT numb to it. We need to understand the power immodesty has over them. C.J. Mahaney has some blog posts discussing the issue of modesty from his upcoming book Worldliness: Resisting the Seduction of a Fallen World. These posts are for men and women, and I encourage everyone to take some time to read all seven of his posts.
Men, CJ is the father of three daughters and has some insight for dads and husbands that will help you to guide your family into making God-honoring choices about clothing. It will be a reminder of the importance to be involved in training your daughters, rather than the world training them. In addition, it will help you to give wise feedback to your wives who need to know if their wardrobe is not honoring to the Lord or would increase another man’s struggle with temptation. Men, you know firsthand how huge this issue is, so please don’t sit back and ignore this!
Ladies, please don’t take this lightly, and don’t assume you don’t need to read this. I would encourage you to also follow Mahaney’s blog links to blog posts from his wife and daughters on this issue. Prayerfully consider how God might want you to approach this subject . . . for the sake of our brothers, for the sake of families who are struggling because of the effects of immodesty that may have led husbands to a path of pornography addiction, and for the ultimate desire to honor God with the body He has given you, which is the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:18-20).
About The Author
Donna is the Women’s Ministry Director at Grace Fellowship. She’s madly in love with her hubby Eric and has been blessed with two precious children (named Savannah and Austin) that she likes to refer to as being “just like real people, only smaller.” In her spare time, Donna likes to overanalyze everything, imagine she’s organized, and pretend she’s accomplishing something by moving her mail piles from the kitchen to her office and back.
More entries by Donna Farr
5 Comments
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Donna,
Thanks for drawing attention to a much overlooked problem inside and outside the church. As I seek to honor my husband and other brothers in Christ, I am daily challenged to consider my wardrobe. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes I miss the mark. Your post is a great reminder and encouragement not to let my guard down and fall into worldly ways of dress. It is so easy to get into the “I’ve gotta look good” mode of thinking. I particularly like Mahaney’s definition of modesty in part two of his blogs. (http://www.sovereigngraceministries.org/Blog/post/Modesty-The-Attitude-of-the-Modest-Woman-(pt-2).aspx)“Modesty is humility expressed in dress. It’s a desire to serve others, particularly men, by not promoting or provoking sensuality.”
While I consider myself to be pretty conservative I was challenged by what Mahaney had to say as I read the series of blogs as well as the Modesty Heart Check (http://girltalk.blogs.com/girltalk/files/modesty_heart_check3.pdf) that his wife and daughters posted.
I pray that we will all seek God on this issue and allow Him to guide our hearts in the area of modesty as we seek to bring Him glory in what we say, do, and wear.
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What really gets under my skin is when I see a very young child, barely school age, wearing those gym shorts with the messages on the rear. Why call attention to a child’s bottom? That’s a pedophile’s dream! And more than half of the swimsuits for girls in Target and Kohl’s are bikinis rather than tanks.
I actually lost a church friend once over my confronting her about her lack of modesty - someone in leadership over youth. It’s a sensitive subject for people. But one that definitely needs to be addressed.
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I am with you on the idea that women should dress modestly but I don’t think the reason for modest dress to prevent men from stumbling. Almost sounds Islamic.
Men are supposed to present their wives as spotless on the last day, not the other way around. I think men have the responsibility to not sin when they look at women regardless of what they are wearing. The fact is it does not matter what women wear, men will still lust. I think lust is a sin because it shows how little we value what God has given us and how little we value what God has created.
Men need to lead their wives into holiness, probably not by telling them what to wear, but by encouraging them and building them up in the word. Men need to lead their boys by being role models to them. Teaching them women are not theirs to possess. All women young and old are our sisters in need of encouragement, sinners in need of grace, or one special lady with whom we get to become one with. Men need to lead their daughters showing them they are not objects to be desired but people to be loved. They are more than just a physical body, but a mind and a spirit that is to be cherished. They need to be shown how women should treated before some guy with a Z-28 shows up and pays her a compliment.
I can understand the desire to not be a stumbling block, but this is a matter of sin not of preference. The onus needs to be on the men loving and leading their families, not on women trying to control the situation.
In one man’s humble opinion.
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O’Ryan, you make some great points, and I agree with most of what you are saying. C.J. Mahaney’s blogs that I referenced also talk of the father’s responsibility to lead and teach his daughters. What a great gift it is to young ladies to have a father who will be open and honest with her about the sinfulness in this world and will guide and protect her as much as it is in his power to do so! And I am thankful to hear your view of the gift that wives are to their husbands and for your desire to respect and exhort your sisters in Christ to be built up in the Word of God. Yes, women are “sinners in need of grace” who need encouraging, and God has given the responsibility for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. But we are not alone in our struggle with sin, and we are all called to submit to one another in love (Ephesians 6:21) and to build each other up.
In that vein, I would like to address a couple of the things you said. First of all, I am interested in your reasoning for why you agree that women should dress modestly, if it is not, at least in part, to not cause a brother to stumble. I see this as part of loving “the Lord our God with all [our] heart, and with all [our] soul, and with all [our] mind . . . [and loving our] neighbor as [ourselves]” (Matthew 22:37-39). If we are seeking to love the Lord with all that is in us, we should desire to call attention to Him and not to things that would cause others to be distracted away from honoring Him, and we should seek to do what is loving toward our neighbor. Is it loving toward our brother to dress in a way that causes him to face the same visual temptation that an unbeliever causes him to face? And is it loving to our sister to dress in a way that may tempt her husband towards impure thoughts? In my humble opinion, it is not loving them or considering them above ourselves (Philippians 2:3-4).
I’m not always great at analogies, but here’s an attempt . . . . If you knew someone was prone to drinking to excess or was an alcoholic, it would not be a loving thing to do to surround him with alcoholic beverages. And imagine that he’s already been having to avoid that temptation everywhere he goes; when he gathers with those who love him and want to build him up in Christ, should they also surround him with alcoholic beverages, or should they be a safe haven where he knows they care about him enough to not put that same temptation in front of him? And what if his temptation towards drunkenness affects his family? Would it be loving to them to surround the man with something that would ultimately hurt them? Certainly not. Paul exhorts us to build up the weaker among us, even if it limits our own liberty, for the sake of Christ. (Romans 14)
However, I’m not advocating a legalistic way of approaching this issue. An exhortation for ladies who are followers of Christ to dress modestly does not equate to the Islamic way of life for women. Modesty, discretion, and purity (and the results of the lack of those things) are addressed throughout the Scriptures in various places and in various ways, from the Proverbs to Paul’s letters to the churches. In addition, this would be a choice by each individual woman to consider her personal actions and how they affect others. It is not a rule of law, but rather a response to God’s grace in our lives.
I also am not sure why you would consider encouraging modesty among believers to be “women trying to control the situation.” The only “control” I’m encouraging us ladies to have is “self-control” . . . to realize that what we do can impact others positively or negatively, and to control our own desire of seeking attention for ourselves rather than seeking to honor God with the way we dress. It is a difficult task for us, especially when we women are constantly enticed to try to look as good as “so-and-so.” We are painfully aware of the provocative images that permeate our society, and that usually either makes us angry and/or makes us feel inferior and/or makes us want to compete. Most of us want attention and we enjoy it when it comes our way. But we need to submit that and all desires to Christ, to look for how we can trust His truth and precepts in our lives to fulfill our deepest desires. (Oooops, I think I digressed . . . another blog post for later.)
Certainly, none of this abdicates a man’s responsibility for his own thoughts and actions. Each man is responsible for his own sin (Romans 14:12), but women who desire to honor God should seek to abstain from putting a stumbling block in front of our brothers (Romans 14:13).
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I agree with much of what you say. I wanted to raise the question of motivations behind modesty. I concluded from your original post; and in light of your recent response, wrongly; that you were suggesting and encouraging women to be modest to prevent men from sinning. It seems I was incorrect in my assessment.
I think the motivation for modest dress is as you said “If we are seeking to love the Lord with all that is in us, we should desire to call attention to Him.” Our desire, all of our desires, should be to be worshipers not worshiped. That should be the motivation for modesty, humility, and virtue on all our parts. I think we are in violent agreement there.
I did not mean to imply encouraging modesty among believers was an attempt to control the situation. What I meant is that if the goal modest dress on the part of women is to keep men from sinning, that takes the responsibility from men, and now women are in control of whether or not men sin, as in Islam.
Our culture is also saturated with men who abdicate their responsibilities, often it is in response to women trying to control a situation. I wanted to encourage men to holiness regardless of the situation. If men are virtuous only in response to what the women around them are doing, they will never be holy.
I liked your second to last paragraph in your response. It shows that immodesty is harmful to both men and women. On exhibit is the idolatry and the proper response from a woman’s point of view. What i see there is the idol of acceptance and attention. The wrong response of anger, resentment and jealousy. Finally, the Gospel. We lay those desires at the foot of the cross. We are more sinful than we know, and more accepted than we can imagine. Very Good.
Marianna : June 6th, 2008 at 2:21 pm