What other women do or do not wear is not the cause of my husband’s thoughts. He is a human. Gratefully, he has always been respectful and if there was ogling, I did not see it. This is a two way street and women, in my experience, can be even worse than the men when it comes to “noticing.”

Maybe I’m wrong, but I think sin starts in the heart not the eyes or mind. I think you can notice someone is attractive without it being sinful.

There was a reference in the Part 1 toward drinking. In my mind, sin is a lot like an alcoholic taking the first drink. The first drink starts long before the first drink happens. It is romanticized and rationalized then actioned. The fact that the drink was available did not cause the alcoholic to drink. The alcoholic is responsible for that action. I see this as the same slippery slope.

This is where the relationship with God comes in. Only we and God know the true nature of our thoughts. If our desire is to honor God and the commitments we made to each other before God, we will pray accordingly and work with God toward that end.

But I don’t think we can be held responsible for what is put before us as other than circumstance.

Certainly, when there are unexpected and unwelcome temptations that are not acted on, we would be wrong to count it offense. I heard Jennifer Rothschild answer a question recently about controlling our thoughts. I liked her illustration. She said that thoughts are like guests. When they come to your door, you can choose to invite them in, entertain them, and feed them OR you can choose to not let them in. If temptation has come to our husband’s door and he has shut that door, we certainly would be wrong to hold him responsible. However, once the second and third looks have happened, that guest has been invited in. Ultimately, it is the role of the Holy Spirit to convict if that is the case. However, He often chooses to do His work through humble and teachable people that are His instruments to lead people to see their need for repentance in various areas.

In the situation where a husband has indulged in pornography, damage that many consider betrayal, and even Jesus referred to as adultery in the heart, has been done to a relationship. In this case, more has to happen than for a woman to simply get over it and treat the one who has hurt her as a Christian sister should do. I would submit that this is not just an issue of moving past the blame-game. If real damage that equates to betrayal has occurred in the relationship, true healing needs to happen. If a wife does not help her husband see the damage his sin has caused, he will be that much more enabled to continue being trapped by it, and he is as much of a victim as the wife is. That would not be truly helping him.

I agree that we should not nag our husbands, however. It is clear in Proverbs that that is not a wise or godly thing to do. Yet, part of Christian sisters and brothers helping each other is to hold each other accountable to repenting and steering clear from sinful behavior, whether that be lust or envy or gossip or laziness or adultery, etc. Anytime we help encourage someone away from sin and towards godliness, with our hearts humble and trusting the Lord, we will have a harder time falling prey to the pride and judgmental attitudes. Again, though, if true damage has been done to the relationship, the woman will understandably be hurt and will have to work through her emotions. She should not condemn herself as being judgmental or proud just for calling sin “sin” and for recognizing the damage it has done to her husband and their family. She is called to forgive as God has forgiven her, though, so she cannot hang onto the offense, either.

This situation is difficult for all involved, so there must be hard work from both parties to move beyond this damage in a relationship. But with God’s Spirit guiding two hearts that desire to be changed and to honor Him, nothing is impossible.

At the same time, as men, we need to realize that any sin we indulge in has victims. If we take Jesus as face value in Matthew 5:27-30, when we lust after a woman, we have committed a form of adultery.

By my estimation, if I commit adultery, I offend three parties…

Adultery is an offense against God. I transgress His law and I express that I am not content with what God has provided for me.

Adultery is an offense against the one we commit it with. Even though the object of my lust (or partner in actual adultery) is often complicit and bears her own guilt, that does not absolve me from the fact that I used a person made in God’s image as an object to satisfy my lust.

Adultery is an offense against my wife. It violates the trust I asked my wife to place in me as I vowed faithfulness to her.

Our wives are victims of our indulgence in lusting toward other women. Let’s not gloss over that.

I also think it is good to distinguish between situations that come upon us from situations that we seek out. However, if we frequent places where there is a pattern of being presented with opportunities to lust, then, at some point, we cannot claim to be surprised by what we are seeing. We need to avoid those situations (if at all possible).

Second, when we do get surprised by a situation that draws our attention, our reaction is our responsibility. The look that lingers or the second look is our responsibility. To butcher an old cliché, “See your over-exposed breasts in a low-cut blouse, shame on you. See them twice, shame on me.”

Another thing-there is a big difference between what is put before your eyes without your consent (i.e., the beach), and intentionally putting something before your eyes (like porn); it’s the difference between seeing and looking, or hearing and listening. The intent of the heart makes the difference.

In the same way the enemy seeks to entice men, it seeks to entice women into pride and judgmental attitudes regarding lust. Beware the divisive nature of dealing with this. Humility, mercy, forgiveness, ladies. As someone already said, our spouses were given to us by God Himself. We are to build each other up and spur each other on toward obedience to God. He can and does equip us to do this when we depend on Him for guidance.

They updated the language (”thee” becomes “you”, “hath” becomes “have”, etc.) and footnoted the most challenging vocabulary.

It’s slow going… but good stuff!

Also xxxchurch.com has resources and materials. Even a book for couples dealing with it.

However, if we view sexual lust for what it really is, selfishness, a desire to satisfy myself at the expense of another person, the opposite would be selflessness, putting the needs and best interests of others ahead of my own. If I do that it is much more difficult to view another person lustfully. Another counterbalance to lust is contentment. Sexual lust is often driven by a ‘the grass is greener over there’ mentality. If I’m content in my circumstances, rejoicing in the ‘wife of my youth’ (Proverbs 5:18) I’m much less likely to be tempted sexually.

I tend to view sexual lust as a surface level symptom of deeper issues in my life. If I’m struggling with it I need primarily to die more to self and to cultivate contentment. One of the things John Owen says is “You cannot mortify a specific lust that is troubling you, unless you are seeking to obey the Lord from the heart in all areas.” So, rather than isolate ’sexual lust’ and try to deal with it as an item, I must examine the whole pattern of my life and be willing to submit to God any areas that I find which are contrary to His will. In dealing with the ‘heart’ issues, the more obvious things like lust will begin to be dealt with as well.

Link to free text of John Owen’s Of the Mortification of Sin in Believers Larry mentioned above.
Free text, Free Audio